#2 +(28)-

A little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him." His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh.. well.. ah.. well, I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!" His mom says, "Why?" And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up"

#3 +(24)-

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink. "The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone 100 dollars who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

#94 +(23)-

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding on the range one day. The two came to a stop, where Tonto jumped off his horse and put his head on the ground to listen to see if anyone was coming. After a few seconds he rose and said, "Buffalo come." The Lone Ranger was amazed and proclaimed "Damn you Indians are smart, how the hell did you know there were buffaloes coming?" Tonto replied, "Face sticky."

#18 +(21)-

Once there was a fly who looked down and saw a piece of pollen on the water and thought, "If I swing down I can get the pollen and have some dinner. Then a salmon saw the fly and thought, "once the fly goes for the pollen Ill be able to grab him and have some dinner. Then a bear saw the salmon and thought,"once he goes for the fly Ill be able to get him and have some dinner" Then the hunter saw the bear and thought, "once he goes for the salmon Ill have some dinner" Then the mouse saw the hunter and thought, "once he goes for the bear his sandwich will fall out of his pack. Then the cat saw the mouse and thought,"once the mouse goes for the sandwich Ill have some dinner" So the fly went down to get the pollen and everything else happened. The Moral of this story is: When the fly goes down there is a satisfied pussy.

#48 +(19)-

Things You Don't Want To Hear During Surgery

- Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.
- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
- Hand me that...uh...that uh...thingie.
- Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
- Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
- Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
- "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys and this guy's got two of 'em."
- Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens.
- Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
- What's this doing here?
- I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
- That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
- I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
- Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
- Sterile, schmeril. The floor's clean, right?
- What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change...!
- OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
- She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!
- FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
- Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

#111 +(17)-

This 65 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her awhile then says, "You look ridiculous, what on earth are you doing?" She says, "I just got my check-up and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old." She starts laughing and jumping again. He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 65 year-old ass?" She says, "Well, your name never came up."

#13 +(14)-

A man feeling very depressed walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch whiskey. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, "That's quite a heavy drink. Is something wrong?" After quickly downing his drink the man replied, "I got home and found my wife in bed with my best friend. "Wow", exclaimed the bartender as he poured the man a second triple scotch, "No wonder you needed a stiff drink. This one's on the house." As the man finished the second scotch, the bartender asked him, "So what did you do?" "I walked over to my wife", the man replied, "looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through. I told her to pack her stuff and to get the hell out." "That makes sense", said the bartender, "but what about your best friend?" "I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said 'Bad dog!'"

#9 +(13)-

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church, and being told there was a fortune in horse racing, he decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that the preacher settled on a donkey instead. The preacher figured, since he bought the animal, he might as well race it. To his great surprise, the donkey did quite well and came in third place. The next day, the racing sheets carried this headline: "Preacher Shows Ass" The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the races again, and this time the animal won first place. The paper said: "Preacher's Ass Out In Front" The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in any more races. The newspaper printed this headline: "Bishop Scratches Preacher's Ass" This was too much for the Bishop and he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give the animal to a nun in a local convent. The next day, the headlines read: "Nun Has Best Ass In Town" The Bishop fainted. When he came around, he informed the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey. The nun searched, finally finding a farmer willing to buy the animal for ten dollars. The paper stated: "Nun Peddles Ass for Ten Bucks!" They buried the Bishop the next day.

#105 +(12)-

A women on her deathbed called her husband and instructed him to look under their bed and open the wooden box he found. He was puzzled by the 3 eggs and $7,000 in cash he found in the box, so he asked his wife what the eggs were for. "Oh those", she replied, "every time we had bad sex, I put an egg in the box". Not bad, the husband thought to himself, after 35 years of marriage, then he asked, "But what about the $7,000?" "Oh that", she replied, "every time I got a dozen I sold them."

#106 +(12)-

A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and they had not been seen for 5 days. An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds. The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK. "Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love". The old man replied, "I thought so...would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window...they're choking my ducks!"

#118 +(12)-

these two pregnant irish women were knitting jumpers for their soon to be born babies, the first woman says, 'oh i hope its a boy, ive made the jumper blue' to which the other woman replies 'yea, well i hope mine is a spaz cos ive fucked up the arms'

#1 +(11)-

A young couple is traveling across the country in their covered wagon. They come across a small town and decide to stop for the night. Not long after their arrival, the husband meets the sheriff and strikes up a conversation with the law enforcer. The sheriff informs the man that it is against the law to speak of, or even use the word "sex". The husband discusses this situation with his wife and they decide they will refer to sex as "doing the laundry" when the urge strikes. Later that night, while lying in bed, the husband rolls over and says "honey, I think it is time to do the laundry", to which the wife replies "no, I'm tired". Thirty minutes later, the husband rolls over and makes a second attempt: "honey, I think we should really do the laundry now". The wife replies a firm, "no, the laundry will have to wait". Two hours pass and the wife finally rolls over and whispers, "honey, we can do the laundry now". The husband looks back at her and replies, "sorry dear, it was a small load... I did it by hand".

#39 +(11)-

The 12 Worst Things to Say to a Police Officer:

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!!
5. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police      officer.
6. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
7. Bad cop! No Donut!
8. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
9. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on "Cops"?
10. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too.
11. I was trying to keep up with the other traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around, that's how far ahead of me they are.
12. What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained observer!

#4 +(9)-

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession." The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik. He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik. Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, " I'm a lollipop salesman! "

#31 +(9)-

A small guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge guy standing next to him. The big guy looks down upon the small white guy and says, "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown." The small guy faints! The big guy picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small guy, "What's wrong?" The small guy says, "Excuse me but what did you say?" The big guy looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown." The small guy says "Thank God, I thought you said, "Turn around."

#36 +(9)-

There was this lady siting in a park by a lake. She had no arms and no legs. A jogger comes by and see the lady crying and says "why are you crying", and the woman says "cause I have no arms or legs and I have never been hugged before." So the jogger feels sorry for her and hugs her. Another jogger comes by and sees the lady crying and asks "why are you crying" and the lady says "cause I have no arms or legs and I have never been kissed before", the jogger feels sorry for her and kisses her. Another jogger comes by and see the lady crying and asks "why are you crying" and the lady says "cause I have no arms or legs and I have never been fucked before." So the jogger picks the lady up, throws her in the lake and says "you're fucked now........"

#64 +(9)-

A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "NERDS NOT ALLOWED--ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are over-populating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. "You don't even need a license," he said. So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load, so remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season." "Well, sure," said the patrolman, "but it's illegal to bait 'em."

#76 +(8)-

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms. He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?" She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?

#150 +(7)-

An Infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter of a beer. Before the forth can order, the bartender says, 'Fuck all of you', and pours two beers.

#58 +(5)-

Top Ten Arabian Insults

May 6,000 unwelcome doppelgangers inflate used condoms on your toes
May an impossible number of courageous sex therapists make babies in your aorta
May 5,000 cramped famous painters repent in your boxers
May 24,000 fascist knights assemble plastic scale model kits of industrial appliances on your butt
May 65,535 frightening travelling salesmen debate the meaning of life inside your rectum
May 529,000 grotesque golf caddies start a holy war in your nostrils
May 9,000 illiterate biologists throw used Kleenex in your bladder
May 999,999,999 uncultured pimps go bankrupt in your large intestine
May 50,000 amorphous prison guards start a three state killing spree in your blender
May an infinite number of gifted philosophers make rude gestures in your glovebox

#87 +(5)-

whats the difference between a black guy and a mexican? the mexican can at least cook!

#135 +(5)-

Q: What's the difference between a woman and a wank?
A: You can't beat a wank.

#92 +(4)-

A man and his wife are doing yard work. Husband says to wife, "Your butt is as wide as the grill." She ignores the remark. A little later the husband takes his measuring tape and goes over to his wife while she is bending over working in a flower bed. He measures her rear end and gasps, "Geez, it IS as wide as the grill!" Later that night while in bed her husband starts to feel frisky. She calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you ARE mistaken."

#127 +(4)-

A hole has appeared in the ladies changing rooms at a local sports club.
Police are looking into it.

#140 +(4)-

At midnight on New Year's Eve in an Irish Pub, a woman hopped up on the bar and exclaimed "At midnight I want all you men to kiss the one who means the most to you!" At midnight, the bartender was trampled to death.