#3 +(53)-

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink. "The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone 100 dollars who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

#2 +(40)-

A little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him." His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh.. well.. ah.. well, I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!" His mom says, "Why?" And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up"

#150 +(27)-

An Infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter of a beer. Before the forth can order, the bartender says, 'Fuck all of you', and pours two beers.

#111 +(26)-

This 65 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her awhile then says, "You look ridiculous, what on earth are you doing?" She says, "I just got my check-up and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old." She starts laughing and jumping again. He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 65 year-old ass?" She says, "Well, your name never came up."

#106 +(25)-

A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and they had not been seen for 5 days. An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds. The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK. "Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love". The old man replied, "I thought so...would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window...they're choking my ducks!"

#13 +(19)-

A man feeling very depressed walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch whiskey. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, "That's quite a heavy drink. Is something wrong?" After quickly downing his drink the man replied, "I got home and found my wife in bed with my best friend. "Wow", exclaimed the bartender as he poured the man a second triple scotch, "No wonder you needed a stiff drink. This one's on the house." As the man finished the second scotch, the bartender asked him, "So what did you do?" "I walked over to my wife", the man replied, "looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through. I told her to pack her stuff and to get the hell out." "That makes sense", said the bartender, "but what about your best friend?" "I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said 'Bad dog!'"

#170 +(19)-

How do you know the Polish invented vodka? It takes a Pole to look at a potato and ask, "How do I drink this?"

#18 +(18)-

Once there was a fly who looked down and saw a piece of pollen on the water and thought, "If I swing down I can get the pollen and have some dinner. Then a salmon saw the fly and thought, "once the fly goes for the pollen Ill be able to grab him and have some dinner. Then a bear saw the salmon and thought,"once he goes for the fly Ill be able to get him and have some dinner" Then the hunter saw the bear and thought, "once he goes for the salmon Ill have some dinner" Then the mouse saw the hunter and thought, "once he goes for the bear his sandwich will fall out of his pack. Then the cat saw the mouse and thought,"once the mouse goes for the sandwich Ill have some dinner" So the fly went down to get the pollen and everything else happened. The Moral of this story is: When the fly goes down there is a satisfied pussy.

#169 +(18)-

Knock Knock Who's there? Ben Bangy Ben Bangy who? Ben Bangy your sister all night and im tired. Let me in. Haha good one. I has one too. Knock Knock Who's there? Protipmysis Protipmysis who? Protipmysister used to be my brother and you have slept with a mans.

#1 +(16)-

A young couple is traveling across the country in their covered wagon. They come across a small town and decide to stop for the night. Not long after their arrival, the husband meets the sheriff and strikes up a conversation with the law enforcer. The sheriff informs the man that it is against the law to speak of, or even use the word "sex". The husband discusses this situation with his wife and they decide they will refer to sex as "doing the laundry" when the urge strikes. Later that night, while lying in bed, the husband rolls over and says "honey, I think it is time to do the laundry", to which the wife replies "no, I'm tired". Thirty minutes later, the husband rolls over and makes a second attempt: "honey, I think we should really do the laundry now". The wife replies a firm, "no, the laundry will have to wait". Two hours pass and the wife finally rolls over and whispers, "honey, we can do the laundry now". The husband looks back at her and replies, "sorry dear, it was a small load... I did it by hand".

#4 +(16)-

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession." The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik. He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik. Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, " I'm a lollipop salesman! "

#7 +(16)-

Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father tried to concentrate on his Saturday afternoon poker game with friends and relatives. His father tried every way possible to get Johnny to occupy himself...television, ice cream, homework, video games...but the youngster insisted on running back and forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held. The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to quit the game and all go home. At this point, the boy's uncle stood up, took Johnny by the hand, and led him out of the room. The uncle soon returned back to the poker table without Johnny, and without comment the game resumed. For the rest of the afternoon, little Johnny was nowhere to be seen and the card players continued without any further interruptions. After the poker game ended, the father asked Johnny's uncle, "What in the world did you say to Johnny? I haven't heard a peep from him all day!" "Not much," the boy's uncle replied. "I just showed him how to masturbate."

#48 +(15)-

Things You Don't Want To Hear During Surgery

- Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.
- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
- Hand me that...uh...that uh...thingie.
- Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
- Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
- Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
- "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys and this guy's got two of 'em."
- Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens.
- Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
- What's this doing here?
- I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
- That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
- I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
- Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
- Sterile, schmeril. The floor's clean, right?
- What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change...!
- OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
- She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!
- FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
- Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

#66 +(15)-

A young boy who had been staring out the airplane's window before takeoff asked his mother, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, do big planes have baby planes?" The mother suggested he ask the nearby stewardess who was preparing for takeoff. The boy walked up to the stewardess and asked in the most innocent voice, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, do big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy nodded. "Well, then, you tell mommy that our airline doesn't have any baby planes because we always pull out on time. Now fasten your seatbelts!"

#39 +(14)-

The 12 Worst Things to Say to a Police Officer:

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!!
5. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police      officer.
6. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
7. Bad cop! No Donut!
8. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
9. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on "Cops"?
10. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too.
11. I was trying to keep up with the other traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around, that's how far ahead of me they are.
12. What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained observer!

#121 +(14)-

What is long, black, and smelly?
The unemployment line.

#9 +(13)-

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church, and being told there was a fortune in horse racing, he decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that the preacher settled on a donkey instead. The preacher figured, since he bought the animal, he might as well race it. To his great surprise, the donkey did quite well and came in third place. The next day, the racing sheets carried this headline: "Preacher Shows Ass" The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the races again, and this time the animal won first place. The paper said: "Preacher's Ass Out In Front" The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in any more races. The newspaper printed this headline: "Bishop Scratches Preacher's Ass" This was too much for the Bishop and he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give the animal to a nun in a local convent. The next day, the headlines read: "Nun Has Best Ass In Town" The Bishop fainted. When he came around, he informed the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey. The nun searched, finally finding a farmer willing to buy the animal for ten dollars. The paper stated: "Nun Peddles Ass for Ten Bucks!" They buried the Bishop the next day.

#31 +(12)-

A small guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge guy standing next to him. The big guy looks down upon the small white guy and says, "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown." The small guy faints! The big guy picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small guy, "What's wrong?" The small guy says, "Excuse me but what did you say?" The big guy looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown." The small guy says "Thank God, I thought you said, "Turn around."

#76 +(12)-

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms. He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?" She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?

#105 +(12)-

A women on her deathbed called her husband and instructed him to look under their bed and open the wooden box he found. He was puzzled by the 3 eggs and $7,000 in cash he found in the box, so he asked his wife what the eggs were for. "Oh those", she replied, "every time we had bad sex, I put an egg in the box". Not bad, the husband thought to himself, after 35 years of marriage, then he asked, "But what about the $7,000?" "Oh that", she replied, "every time I got a dozen I sold them."

#10 +(10)-

An Irish guy walks into a bar. The bartender looks him up and down and says, "Hey, you got a steering wheel on your dick." The man replies, "Ay, it's driving me nuts

#8 +(9)-

A medical student is doing is rotation on the psychiatric ward. He is getting a tour by the attending psychiatrist, seeing the grounds, etc. The two of them walk down a hall, with a number of locked doors on both sides. The attending doctor opens the first door on the left. The student looks in and sees a man, buck naked and shaved completely bald. The man is laying on a mattress, which, besides the toilet, is the only item in the white room. The man is furiously masturbating. The student, shocked, asks "My God, what is his problem?" The attending answers, "He has a very unique condition. He is locked in a delusion belief system: he thinks that if he does not ejaculate 17 times each day, his testicles will explode." They leave and continue walking down the hall. The attending doctor unlocks and opens another door. Inside the resident sees a man sitting on a canopied bed, decked out in a velvet robe. The room is as finely appointed as a five-star hotel. In one hand the patient holds a glass of scotch, in the other a fine Cuban cigar. There is also a beautiful, buxom, blonde nurse in the room, performing oral sex on the patient. The student, perplexed, asks "what is his problem?" The attending doctor replies "Oh, he has the same problem as that last guy, but he has a much better insurance plan."

#58 +(9)-

Top Ten Arabian Insults

May 6,000 unwelcome doppelgangers inflate used condoms on your toes
May an impossible number of courageous sex therapists make babies in your aorta
May 5,000 cramped famous painters repent in your boxers
May 24,000 fascist knights assemble plastic scale model kits of industrial appliances on your butt
May 65,535 frightening travelling salesmen debate the meaning of life inside your rectum
May 529,000 grotesque golf caddies start a holy war in your nostrils
May 9,000 illiterate biologists throw used Kleenex in your bladder
May 999,999,999 uncultured pimps go bankrupt in your large intestine
May 50,000 amorphous prison guards start a three state killing spree in your blender
May an infinite number of gifted philosophers make rude gestures in your glovebox

#158 +(9)-

'And what might your name be?' the school secretary asked the new boy. 'Well, it might be Cornelius but it's not. It's Sam.

#16 +(8)-

An older man in his mid-fifties goes into a Pharmacy and is looking around rather curiously. The Pharmacist approaches the man and asks him if he needs assistance. The man leans over and whispers in the Pharmacist's ear "I need to buy some condoms but I'm not sure what size" The Pharmacist motions for the man to follow her back to the counter. At the counter the Pharmacist tells the man to unzip his pants. He does, and the Pharmacist reaches under the counter and tugs twice on his penis. A second later the Pharmacist gets on the loud speaker, "I need a box of large condoms to the Pharmacy" The man pays for his condoms and leaves. A little while later a man in his mid-twenties comes in and the same scene takes place. The man follows the Pharmacist to the counter, unzips, she tugs twice, "I need a box of medium condoms to the Pharmacy" The man pays a leaves. The next even a teen about 17 is looking around the Pharmacy rather curiously. He is approached by the Pharmacist and is having the same problem as the two previous gentleman. The boy follows the Pharmacist to the counter, he unzips, she tugs twice, "I need clean up in the Pharmacy please."